On Reversed Purpose

People do this all the time. Covering the eyes because they see what they don’t want to see.
I’m doing this right now. Hiding beneath my palms because I don’t see what I want to see.

Misplaced

After a year, everything seems still to be misplaced.
Like a carton of white milk outside the refrigerator, a Vogue subscription form lying wet on the bathroom, a camera inside the wardrobe, books under the table, dolls upside down, keyboard near the empty wrapper of instant cappuccino. Broken sofa on the crowded street.

Your messages, dated almost a year ago.
I still have them completely. Like stamps of dead philatelist but also like lyric of an instrumental song.
Your face, his face, my fate.

My little heart.

After a year, everything seems still to be misplaced.

To Joulise Joulisa

Hey there Joulise,

From the way you held the camera, I could tell that you weren’t okay. Well, maybe you are always not because you doubt the universe, and your idea of falling in love, and any kind of faith.

Trust me Joulise,
We can never live a life if it is not upon the Earth or under the tales of the end of the rainbow, with a happily ever after scene of Apple Pie Princess and Prince that had just turned back handsome guy after being a gastropod. But we have to deal with the reality, that guys can be gay, or jerks, or ugly, or all, and sometimes we can’t choose.

We can live with or without beer, but life is on its best when we are not drunk. When we can hear even the smoothest noise, when we can see the picture, big or small, not closely, but clearly. Not instantly but directly. Not silently, but not halfheartedly.

Joulise Joulisa,

This is not about you or me. This is not about Holga or Diana. This is not about Paris or Sydney. This is not about Silas or Jonas. This is not about our horoscope, or our good lives. What I mean is, be still, and be good. Be fine, and be glad. Sometimes, take a fresh dawn air. Walk outside, and put your sweater on. Don’t be sad.

I wish your name were started with P.

 
 

With love,

 
 
 
 

——————————

#000000

It sounds like nothing
But the truth can be anything

It can be everything

Moonless cloudy night
Forgotten amusement park in the wood when we were children
4 hours, after this city burnt bright and left nothing but memories
Silent deep sea
Outer than outer space
Down the rabbit hole
The room where we developed our films
Photos taken with the cap of lens on
Coffee from his homeland
Yin without Yang
When they kiss
When people die, and meet their God, or not at all

When there are too much to say, too big to be written, but so little space.

*

Black is the color of objects that do not emit or reflect light in any part of the visible spectrum; they absorb all such frequencies of light. Although black is sometimes described as an “achromatic”, or hueless, color, in practice it can be considered a color, as in expressions like “black cat” or “black paint”. Black can be defined as the visual impression experienced when no visible light reaches the eye. (This makes a contrast with whiteness, the impression of any combination of colors of light that equally stimulates all three types of color-sensitive visual receptors.) Pigments that absorb light rather than reflect it back to the eye “look black”. A black pigment can, however, result from a combination of several pigments that collectively absorb all colors. If appropriate proportions of three primary pigments are mixed, the result reflects so little light as to be called “black”. This provides two superficially opposite but actually complementary descriptions of black. Black is the lack of all colors of light, or an exhaustive combination of multiple colors of pigment. In physics, a black body is a perfect absorber of light, but by a rule derived by Einstein it is also, when heated, the best emitter. Thus, the best radiative cooling, out of sunlight, is by using black paint, though it is important that it be black (a nearly perfect absorber) in the infrared as well. In elementary science, far Ultraviolet light is called “black light” because, unseen, it causes many minerals and other substances to fluoresce. On January 16, 2008, researchers from Troy, New York’s Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute announced the creation of the darkest material on the planet. The material, which reflects only .045 percent of light, was created from carbon nanotubes stood on end. It absorbs nearly 30 times more light than the current standard for blackness, and is 3 times darker than the record holder for darkest substance. Scientists claim that the new material has great potential in the manufacturing of solar panels. Authority and seriousness Black can be seen as the color of authority and seriousness. * Black Watch is the senior Highland Regiment of the British Army. * In Japanese culture, kuro (black) is a symbol of nobility, age, and experience, as opposed to shiro (white), which symbolizes serfdom, youth, and naiveté. Thus the black belt is a mark of achievement and seniority in many martial arts, whereas in, for example, Shotokan karate, a white belt is a rank-less belt which comes before all other belts. These ranks are called dan. * Black was the color of the Arab dynasty of Abbasid caliphs, which is the reason black is frequently used in flags of Arab countries. * The riot control units of the Basque Autonomous Police in Spain are known as beltzak (“blacks”) after their uniform. * Traditionally, police vehicles (panda cars) were in black and white. Clothing * Academic dress includes black robes for graduates. * Black tuxedos are worn at formal occasions known as black tie functions. * Black is worn by religious figures within Christianity, e.g. priests (especially of the older religious denominations), monks and nuns. * Black is worn by Hassidic Jews. * Black is worn by some Muslim women; see List of types of sartorial hijab for photographs of examples such as the abaya. * Lawyers and judges often wear black robes. * Many performers of European classical music or other serious art music dress in black for a concert or recital. * Members of the modern goth and some punk subcultures dress predominantly in black (see also goth fashion). Demography * The term “black” is often used in the West to denote the ethnicity of people whose skin color ranges from light to darker shades of brown. For a discussion of usage, see the main entry at Black people and color terminology for race. Music * “Black & White”, a song by In Flames from their album Reroute To Remain Fourteen Songs of Conscious Insanity. * Paint It, Black is a 1966 hit song by the Rolling Stones. * Metallica’s self titled album is known as “The Black Album.” * Amy Winehouse’s Grammy Award winning song and album Back to Black. * Black metal is a style of music including bands such as Darkthrone and Mayhem. * Johnny Cash was commonly referred to as “The Man in Black” due to his preference for black clothing. His song “Man in Black” presents it as a show of solidarity with the outcasts of society. * The folk song “Black Is the Color (of My True Love’s Hair)”. * The band AC/DC sang “Back in Black”, a song about being successful and ambitious once again. * Black Flag was an American punk rock band formed in 1977 in Hermosa Beach, California that broke up in 1986. * Black or White, the first single off of Michael Jackson’s Dangerous album. Philosophy * In arguments, things can be black-and-white, meaning that the issue at hand is dichotomized (having two clear, opposing sides with no middle ground). * In ancient China, black was the symbol of North and Water, one of the main five colors. Politics * The List of black flags, although not exclusively political, gives many political meanings. * Black is used for anarchist symbolism, sometimes split in diagonal with other colors to show alignment with another political philosophy. The plain black flag is explained in various ways, sometimes as an anti-flag or a non-flag. Wearing black clothing is also sometimes an anarchist tactic during demonstrations, with a practical benefit of not attracting attention and making later identification of a subject difficult. This strategy is referred to as a black bloc. * In Portuguese politics, black (and red) is the party color of the Left Bloc. * The blackshirts were Italian Fascist militias. * The blackshirts was a nickname for the SS. * The black triangle was used by the Nazis to designate “asocial” people (homeless and Roma, for example); later the symbol was adopted by lesbian culture. Science * Black sky refers to the appearance of space as one emerges from the Earth’s atmosphere. * The term “black hole” is applied to collapsed stars. * Black body radiation refers to the radiation coming from a body at a given temperature where all incoming energy (light) is converted to heat. Sport * The national rugby union team of New Zealand is called the All Blacks, in reference to their black outfits, and the color is also shared by other New Zealand national teams such as the Black Caps (cricket) and the Kiwis (rugby league). * Association football (soccer) referees traditionally wear all-black uniforms, however nowadays other uniform colors may also be worn. * A large number of teams have uniforms designed with black colors – many feeling the color sometimes imparts a psychological advantage in its wearers. Among the more famous (or infamous) include Oakland Raiders and Pittsburgh Steelers of the NFL, the San Antonio Spurs and Miami Heat of the NBA, and Inter Milan of the Serie A of the Italian soccer leagues. * In auto racing, a black flag signals a driver to go into the pits. * In baseball, “the black” refers to the batter’s eye, a blacked out area around the center-field bleachers, painted black to give hitters a decent background for pitched balls. Ambiguity and secrecy * A black box is any device whose internal workings are unknown or inexplicable. In theatre, the black box is a smaller, undecorated theater whose auditorium and stage relationship can be configured in various way. * A black project is a secretive project, like Enigma Decryption, other classified military programs or operations, Narcotics, or police sting operations. * Some organizations are called “black” when they keep a low profile, like Sociétés Anonymes and secret societies. * A polished black mirror is used for scrying, and is thought to help see into the paranormal world without interference or distraction. * Black frequently symbolizes ambiguity, secrecy, and the unknown. Beliefs, religions and superstitions * Black is a symbol of mourning and bereavement in Western societies, especially at funerals and memorial services. In some traditional societies, within for example Greece and Italy, widows wear black for the rest of their lives. In contrast, across much of Africa and parts of Asia, white is a color of mourning and is worn during funerals. * In English heraldry, black means darkness, doubt, ignorance, and uncertainty. [3] * In the Maasai tribes of Kenya and Tanzania, the color black is associated with rain clouds, a symbol of life and prosperity. * Native Americans associated black with the life-giving soil. * The Hindu deity Krishna means “the black one”. * The medieval Christian sect known as the Cathars viewed black as a color of perfection. * The Rastafari movement sees black as beautiful. * In the Japanese culture, Black is associated with honor, not death with the white color being associated with death. Economy * To say one’s accounts are “in the black” is used to mean that one is free of debt. o Being “in the red” is to be in debt—in traditional bookkeeping, negative amounts, such as costs, were printed in red ink, and positive amounts, like revenues, were printed in black ink, so that if the “bottom line” is printed in black, the firm is profiting. * Black Friday (shopping) occurs the day after Thanksgiving. The idea is that the shopping that begins on this day can put a company into the black (i.e., make a profit) for the year. Fashion * In Western fashion, black is considered stylish, sexy, elegant and powerful. * The colloquialism “X is the new black” is a reference to the latest trend or fad that is considered a wardrobe basic for the duration of the trend, on the basis that black is always fashionable. The phrase has taken on a life of its own as a snowclone, and has been stretched and parodied as a rhetorical device and a cliché. Symbolic dualism with white * Black magic is a destructive or evil form of magic, often connected with death, as opposed to white magic. This was already apparent during Ancient Egypt when the Cush Tribe invaded Egyptian plantations along the Nile River. * Evil witches are stereotypically dressed in black and good fairies in white. * In computer security, a blackhat is an attacker with evil intentions, while a whitehat bears no such ill will. (This is derived from the Western movie convention.) * In many Hollywood Westerns, bad cowboys wear black hats while the good ones wear white. * Melodrama villains are dressed in black and heroines in white dresses. Historical events * A “black day” (or week or month) usually refers to a sad or tragic time. The Romans marked fasti days with white stones and nefasti days with black. o E.g., the Wall Street Crash 1929, the stock market crash on October 29, 1929 which is the start of the Great Depression, is nicknamed Black Tuesday, and was preceded by Black Thursday, a downturn on October 24 the previous week. o Black Monday, stock market crash on October 19, 1987. o Black Wednesday caused Britain to pull out of the European Exchange Rate Mechanism. o Black Friday, various tragic events. (Exception: See Black Friday (shopping).) * Black months include: o the Black September in Jordan, in which thousands of people were killed. o Black July killing of the Tamil population by the Sinhalese government in Sri Lanka. o Black Spring 2001 (Printemps noir), in the Berber region of Kabylia (Algeria), when the police shot and killed more than 100 people. * The Black Death, also known as the Black Plague, was a pandemic in Europe which killed tens of millions of people. * The Black Hole of Calcutta was the overcrowding of an impromptu prison cell in which many died. Expressions * A black-hearted person is mean and unloving. * A blacklist is a list of undesirable persons or entities (to be placed on the list is to be “blacklisted”). * Black comedy is a form of comedy dealing with morbid and serious topics. * A black mark against a person relates to something bad they have done. * A black mood is a bad one (cf Winston Churchill’s clinical depression, which he called “my black dog”).[4] * black market is used to denote the trade of illegal goods, or alternatively the illegal trade of otherwise legal items at considerably higher prices, e.g. to evade rationing. * Black propaganda is the use of known falsehoods, partial truths, or masquerades in propaganda to confuse an opponent. * Blackmail is the act of threatening to reveal information about a person unless the threatened party fulfills certain demands. This information is usually of an embarrassing or socially damaging nature. Ordinarily, such a threat is illegal. * If the black eight-ball, in billiards, is sunk before all others are out of play, the player loses. * The black sheep of the family is the ne’er-do-well. * To blackball someone is to block their entry into a club or some such institution. In the traditional English gentlemen’s club, members vote on the admission of a candidate by secretly placing a white or black ball in a hat. If upon the completion of voting, there was even one black ball amongst the white, the candidate would be denied membership, and he would never know who had “blackballed” him. * Black tea in the Western culture is known as “crimson tea” in Chinese and culturally influenced languages, (紅茶, Mandarin Chinese hóngchá; Japanese kōcha; Korean hongcha), perhaps a more accurate description of the color of the liquid. * “The black” is a wildfire suppression term referring to a burned area on a wildfire capable of acting as a safety zone.

Closed eyes
Or being too close

—
Inspired by Jonathan Safran Foer.
*) This part is taken from Wikipedia.

Don’t Promise to Grow Old with Me

Don’t promise we’d spend the rest of our every evening with teapots of coffee, with low light, listening you writing songs about me and your old stories.

Don’t promise we’d survive the war or the earthquake, because there are too many men who try too hard to be important, because I already told you that Earth keeps secrets the best.

Don’t promise to come to Vietnam with me. We both are too busy. I’m jumping to the very next flight to Kenya, when monochromatic zebras are closer, and pink hippopotamus are farther.

Don’t promise that you’d be able to read me like you’re able to read the whole newspaper with its ads and its political jokes backward.

Don’t promise to stop seeing the glass half empty, the bible half misinterpreted, the skyscraper half ruined, the storm half stopped, the bread half toasted, and the women half naked.

Don’t promise to spell every Beatles’ lyric correctly in French, in Japanese, in Arabic, in PHP, or in silence. Just say, and write a letter for me later than the dawn.

Don’t promise to draw the silver linings perfectly because bright clouds aren’t good at raining, and because it’d hurt the dark designs we always have in our selfish minds.

Don’t promise to go hiking and stop the volcanoes. They are too sad to sleep too long. Too sad to lose their warmth, their weight, and the lives around. We both never know.

Don’t promise to stay or to make a home in a train or an airplane, so when you’re too tired to drive following the horizon, we’d just rest upon the yellow grass or above the golden sea.

Don’t promise to forget every promises you didn’t promise me, the way I often forget my way home, all those traffic lamps, and punctuations in your bed time poems.

Don’t promise anything in this temporary life. You and I have never been too close or too far to see the future and lifetime is never worth the wait.
—

Overcaffeinated Random Thoughts: Part 5.00

There she is. With the thought that she’s smart Barbie doll, with great fashion taste and a troop of fans; stalking on and talking about her.

But for me, there’s nothing special about being famous.
When people are around without any intention to be friends.
When people care about what happen in your life without any intention to help.

Overcaffeinated Random Thoughts: Part 4.60

All I saw was the sight of better form of poverty. I call it ‘better’ because all went in colors and not really bad that flies and cockroaches were visibly in the middle of everywhere. No it wasn’t that bad at all. Only all were cheap and suck. Like cheap glittery t-shirt or cheap high heels. Cheap make-up and cheap straight hair. Cheap dream and cheap chit and chat.

What I saw was reality. And it made me more cynical about it. Reality that we are poor people, from poor country, with poor surroundings, and how we are really poor about everything.

Overcaffeinated Random Thoughts: Part 4.30

The tales of two cities bother me everytime I go to the third one. Like I have to spin around and pretend that I’m a sea starfish. I don’t know how they built the tower, and the wall, while they also built the garden, and the playground. How they made such straight roads while they made right and left turns How they climbed up the sky so we can use the elevators now. They keep to much secret from me and every homeless guy on the lightless streets. They never tell us the code and the poetry. They let us wonder forever.

Overcaffeinated Random Thoughts: Part 4.00

Morning has come again, left the dawn. And we’re getting closer to twenty. At least we will be something: twenty something. With so much repetition. The same music, the same bad news, and we can’t even arrive on (sipping the coffee) Port Moresby.

So many destinations in this earth that they make a spider web. A vast vast vast spider web. At least it’s a proof that we’re not alone. Even when we die, and buried underneath a miles square of beautiful green grass and white cross signs, we’re not alone. Many have come before us and after us. Maybe more. Maybe less. Mabe the same. The same bad and heartbroken.

Overcaffeinated Random Thoughts: Part. 3.80

I feel not like stop writing right now. There’s so much time left on the empty bench of surrealism, too much space to see the stars, too cold air for no more cup of coffee. The words are still gifted to me that I worry I have to clean my wardrobe and have some cm squares empty so I can save some there. Oh well. I don’t need it anyway. I think I want to draw. Just right now.

Overcaffeinated Random Thoughts: Part 3.30

The gramophone and some grayscale pictures of ancient urban life. We can’t see the blue sky of the green tea. We can only see the striped socks and black sneakers with a star on it. We can see the disco ball but we are not touching it, neither smelling it. We listen to some old tunes, back to when we wore blue skirts and shorts, from the cassette player that was too tired all his life.

We don’t know understand why God keeps so much mystery and we don’t have to have any idea about it. It’s like we can always find a reason not to fly just like we can always find a reason to decline an invitation.

Overcaffeinated Random Thoughts: Part 3.00

Do you remember the ticket to Pluto I gave you a half (or more) years ago? I don’t have any reason to remember it except the facet that I heart the idea of giving people those kind of imaginary tickets. I envy you because you already got one, you jerk!

Well, I’m not writing this to have a monologue about one of my biggest regret in my love life.

Wait, do I have a love life? Fucking no. Oh yes. My boyfriend is a camera who thinks that he maybe needs a Tamron tele-lens. Keep dreaming, Okio!

Overcaffeinated Random Thoughts: Part 2.00

Rushing the street back to my room, with whole wheat bread in my hand and a pack of chocolate milk. Plus a joy of thought of being full, and some heavy rains of words.

Well I feel it sometimes. When words are like tornado around I can’t even catch a butterfly. Like wisdom of:

“Fashion doesn’t make you less intellectual. It only makes you less cynical about this bullshitism of capitalism.”

Well, I don’t know where they come from. Just like I see them on the red brick wall, on the dark path, on the broken street, on the empty region because most of its temporary citizens are back home.

I’m facing the second cup/mug/glass of coffee and I can’t resist the temptation of another slice of bread. I ate it with my left hand and feel like an asshole.

I wonder if that I’m that abnormal that people quietly wonder if I’m that abnormal. Well, maybe yes. Maybe I have different angle of life viewing or heartbreaking, but I still love carousel. I still love the sky. And I still love the guy who has wit, charm of dorks, and some photography madness.

Well, am I and indigo child?
No. I know that I’m white. Mother-tongued-ly without H. And in English, it’s without both H and E.

Overcaffeinated Random Thoughts: Part 1.37

What is it about China or being exaggerating about love? I don’t know maybe I have a kind of right brain disorder that words often pop out, and pop out, and gone. We all are ready for the plastic pink comb and blonde, then some vintage pin-up. WE all like making history and tagging some pages in The Future Dictionary of Hawaii. We all are mad that we sing Beatles’ songs in French and writing them in misery. We all are like that every afternoon, and then we run. We jog. Then we stop. And we don’t even see the traffic light or get shone by the nearest street lamp. We don’t do salsa dance mush often, but we get hungry because of it. Then what do you think about sleeping so late tonight so we can stroll upon the city and enter the pubs everytime you are thirsty.

We all are sunshine and what comes after us is some dust from the overburnt cigarette and smell of the stale coffee. We don’t do much repairing but we still come.

A Very Short Prose about Rain

Rain is the most inspiring phenomenon in life. More than volcano, more than meteor traveling as a shooting star. Rain is blessing for the earth.

10. It is He who sends down rain from the sky: from it ye drink, and out of it (grows) the vegetation on which ye feed your cattle. 11. With it He produces for you corn, olives, date-palms, grapes and every kind of fruit: verily in this is a sign for those who give thought.
(An-Nahl 16:10-11)

***

And rain is blessing for the heart and mind. Especially mine.

Everytime it rains, it feels like I can draw a thousand words. About everything: About reality or reverie. About the present, or memories. About life, or suicide.

That is because rain helps me to feel more about everything: Warmer about the chill. More painful about pain. More lonely about being heartbroken, and far from home.

That is because, when it rains, everything becomes blurry so I don’t believe my vision as much as usual.
That’s when I sense my favorite:
the tone of raindrops,
the smell of wet ground,
the chill of the still,
and the taste of coffee.

I believe in you, Michael. The way I believe in Azrael.

This Morning was Perfect

This morning was perfect:

News was bad,
sky was dark,
bread was stale

Empty plate and dirty spoon,
rippled shirts and dusty window,
the old gramophone,
and swinging sixties melody

Nothing was in the right place;

My red heels,
our black & white Polaroid,
my mind

This morning was perfect.
Let’s get out of this city
Don’t die today
I’m calling you

GEA General Election: The Hearing, and The Dawn

Along the night
We had blurry vision
Of plastic glasses
Half empty with black coffee

Lights were low,
High-pitched tones,
And dead cigarettes
Laying on the floor

We wore the same
To bore, to blame,
My rubber shoes
Damped with sweat

Dances were skipped
While our dreamless eyes
Dimmed with exhaustion
Then we slept awake

(After a really tiring hearing….)

Let’s Runaway and Join a Circus Gang

Let’s runaway
And join a circus gang
We’ll wander around
Riding caravan

We’re gonna make it
Country to country
Where the grass is greener
And spaces are wider

We’ll play everyday
Under the sunshine
Below the moonlight
Among the little lamps

There are plenty of children
With smiles to laugh
Heart beaming
Wind chiming

We can have cotton candy
Or jump on trampoline
Whenever we like
Whenever we care

We can do the tango
And the clowns won’t judge
We’d forget about our age
And how we grow older
***

Let’s runaway
And join a circus gang
Let’s pack everything
Start with your Holga

Let’s runaway…